2nd time I went Thailand was almost as fun as the first!
I guess there is nothing like the first (sharmaine teo's D-O-D-G-Y and calls back home for money, packing international breakfast into plastic bags, fighting with tuk tuk uncles, rachel xu being' too' underage to club, kok's crazed face: discovery of bargaining powress)
Nothing will be exactly that way ever again.  

This round, I had my cookie monster with me!And playmates..I hope my playmates make it good eventually.
I LIKE DOUBLE DATING~
Listening to problems faced by others makes me a little less complacent, a little more appreciative and hopefully a little more endearing to cookie monster =D

Whatever problems life brings to you, just remember who/what is important and don't lose sight of it. For me, love and loyalty to my friends and family is first.. followed..hopefully not too closely... by greed, egoistical exploits and dramatic outbursts. heh..lastly gossips and socializing allow me to retain some connection with the outside world, a constant reminder that being entertained by charming aquaintances or digesting juicy snippets of some high profile chick/dick is only a temporal gratification.

I like going home at the end of a long day. And I wish for the same happiness upon the few I hold dear.

Updates!

Been lazying around quite abit. Working a lil, getting my ass out for some exercise, many a prawning sessions and supper hunting. Attended a career fair today and I have this urge to sign my life over to the forces. I want to retire early and comfortably, does not seem a bad trade off at all. I just need to get ready for...

NAFA TESTS! *lolololololol
Someone said my calves WOBBLE when I walk =(

I'm really looking forward to gg bkk with my playmates!! We have to go to the tiger palace and do some trekking!

Still duper woooper kai xin with Miss K! My wholesome lil wholemeal bread..good for my soul *chuckles. thank you for being fun, funny and somewhat patient with me =D

Nibbling on breakfast you made,
dropping a slice hardened up from the chill of our room for our pups,
I sulk.


Why do we let petty moods freeze over and spoil the day.
When at the end, I still come home to drape an arm over your silent form, wishing to turn back today   

Feels like a longer period of time than reality is for us..

You have been a handful, charming my buttocks off with ur playfulness and....wilfullness =p
I was and still am affected by your realism and vulnerabilty..still in love.. thank you for opening yourself up to me, for moments of crazy violence and tenderness. 

Am getting used to your warmth at night, your feline nature, the scent of your secret thoughts. You morph from girlish innocence to someone perfectly capable of loving right. You possess a brilliant mind, untainted, mature, rational, powerful. And I am happy to let myself be drawn into your world, your ideals, so that even with my dark history, I may have hope to achieve some idealism.

..I cannot do what is not right in your eyes. I have no doubt you will trust me in time and hopefully I'll get over my fears just in time for you, for us. =) 

Happy 5th mthsary baby.  



     


 

I think I'm beginning to like teaching, but I worry that people would think it's a bogus job.
Or perhaps I worry about what they think.
I have an automatic check on my temper now and imagine lifting fat autistic children up into the air and slamming them face down onto the ground instead of raising my voice. But frankly, you still can't trust me alone with children so a lurking maid or elderly grans around the corner should do the trick. 

qn qn qn..Is it not enough to put food on the table? Is it not enough to like ur job instead of love it? Is it any less important interacting with imbecile children instead of imbecile adults? 
I guess as long as I'm clear about my goals I should just persist! Cannot imagine myself doing something I don't like, dealing with shitty pay, wake up early or perhaps all of the above! I wished I got into the police force, another broken dream..

On a lighter note, I am happy I'm moving to Concorde..it is neutral ground. I secretly like to be domesticated.hehe..
But I'll miss being able to go, "MY this MY that MY everything SO YOU LISTEN!!"

Daijou bu?
Will you be able to hold up?
Everyone wants their family, you may not need them but you will miss them.

I want you to force yourself to make some contact...not to give in but to give way. 

I want to go swing from tree to tree.
But even swinging from tree to tree, I barely have time to linger and be there for tree-house talks.

Friends what have you been up to? I can never catch up anymore. Growing older feels like having less time to be involved in others' life.

....being consistently happy.

I like being normal.

And being consistently happy is normal. Regardless of statistics.

Also...planning for the future is great.
Becoz I finally believe I'll have a nice one.

" I promise to give you the best of myself
and to ask of you no more than you can give.

I promise to respect you as your own person
and to realize that your interests, desires and needs
are no less important than my own.

I promise to share with you my time and my attention
and to bring joy, strength, and imagination to our relationship.

I promise to keep myself open to you,
to let you see through the window of my world into my innermost
fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.

I promise to grow along with you,
to be willing to face changes in order to keep our relationship
alive and exciting.

I promise to love you in good times and bad,
with all I have to give and all I feel inside in the only way I know how.
Completely and forever."

In this day and age, what are promises?
Some say promises are made to be broken and some say promises are golden.

I say promises are kept alive through believing. They exist because the owner and receipient believe, not through implementation of every word religiously, but by trusting the depth of feelings involved in them. 

 

I hold pretty high standards for myself and my lovers, almost leaving no room for mistakes.
With my missus now, it would be difficult to find a replicate.  

You may not realise this but your self-imposed ethics may be on par with my idealism.
I would like to believe I can be happy with you for the longest time.

What Does Your Home Say About You?

Maybe I can be responsible afterall!

Or maybe I am not responsible [read: Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority]

...but rather, 

reactive [read: Involving actions - - -

Expected (via annoying and repeated reminders over some persistent period of time),

Required (by law and enforced with a significant amount of years behind bars) 

or

Requested ( 1. very forcefully and perhaps with threat of bodily harm 2. Seductively and preferably with some flashing of skin and physical contact)].
 

Admission: A somewhat self-absorbed person.
 

Being held down, my victor upon my chest, unable to will away the helplessness and humiliation.
My last ounce of strength refusing to cave to tears.
Heart beating fast and hollow, pulsating aches.
Adrenaline spent and nothing gained.

Always, this is how I feel toward matters out of my control.

Defeat is something I'm all too familiar with, and the knowledge that nothing can tweak the path of a hurricane once its on it's way.


  

Damn damn excited to go to Vietnam!!

And I just realised why she wants to go on Sunday =)





I love you for trying to make me happy. It is the little things that count and I'm lucky you are unexpectantly thoughtful in many ways.    

This is what my lil sis made me call her years ago to show affection =D and tho i grudgingly used it initially (not cool), I have become very fond of the nickname =)

This entry is dedicated to the one person I'll prob never stop crying for if she ever leaves me.

I'm super protective yet very very high handed with her. Growing up, she has never called me by my first name and the few times she did, she was in hysterical rage at me (I cannot rem why as usual) and I flew into an even bigger one the minute it's out of her mouth...

"Cindy Chua!! (hesitates a split second from fear of my wrath ie. being struck by me, before deciding her precious ego has been trodden on without any remorse whatsoever) "I fucking tell you I wun take this shit from you anymore.....blah blah blah".
 
Yes, in heated moments, our vulgarities toward each other is spectacular enough to shame a seasoned loanshark. I'm always surprised how fluent I become in Teochew.

Yet, we are each other's history from day one. Eye witnesses to numerous incidences that would shock the living daylights out of even the most well adjusted adult. And literally trained to perceive them as normal, which I have no doubts made us who we are today...

Me and her, we are most emotionally resilient (yet strangely, we are also most emotionally sensitive) and frank (to the point of being self destructive and annoying). Apart from these two prominent traits that I believe came from environment factors, we are vastly different in all other aspects.    

This morning, after a whole night of insomnia and feeling downright grouchy, I went to check on her blog (an irregular affair which always gets me stricken with guilt and also pride, as I discover the unaccountable number of crisis she has gone through without my knowledge). It's always, always this two emotions only, guilt and pride, almost seems semi-maternal in nature.

Anyhow, it's one of the rare moments where I laugh so loudly one moment (www.auhclorac.blogspot.com : see msn convo btw my sister and cousin Michelle) 31 Oct entry, and in the next (see 15 Sept entry), feel so protective and angry. 

I miss being real again, to live courageously and lip my words loosely, without shame that my emotions run too deep for other people's comfort.



 

Das Experiment: The Black Box

Highlight: Beatrice Chia's bod

High highlight: Beatrice Chia's screaming



The only mayhem in my life now is my heart hammering at odd intervals in odd situations.

A beautiful beginning.

F e a r.

The Concept:



    Arousing                                                                                Agitating                                Alarming           

                                                           Dismay                    
                                                                                   Distress                                              Destructive                      Despair

                             
                                         Obsessive                                  Obstructive   

Possessive
                                                                               Panic                                                            Paranoia

                    
                                                                                                                  
                                                 Constrictive                  Chaotic          

                                                                                                                                      Intense                                                 Insane
                                 Painful                           

     Persistent                                                                        Pernicious


                                                  Irrational                                                                     Egocentric                          

                                   
Trepidation                                                         Expectation

                                                                                                                              Injurious                                                            Escapism

                                            Manifestation                                         

                                                                                                                                                               Mutilation



A self fulfilling prophecy.

Take in that scent, and remember.
Then let go.

Drifting in and out of sleep (during daylight hours),

Trying to make it on time for dates with baby (must try harder),

Meeting employers who pay too little ($1.4K for grad-- ninaabei-- he think ITE grad ar),

Drinking and dining with colleagues (who are ever so generous) and my bros and gang (pussy-loving mindfuckers).





THAT'S LIFE AT IT'S BEST.

note to self: exercise more.

2nd note to self: try to delay starting work.

What would I do without you?
i stopped to think and dwell.


just,
don't go missing again.